Driven

For the last few months, I’ve been struggling to understand why I have such a difficult time with things like focusing on one thing at a time, or distractions. I believed, and maybe still do, that I have suffered from ADD or ADHD for most of my life without realizing it. The more I read about it, the more I identify with that diagnosis. Until the other day when my coaches and mentors, Annie Grace and Scott Pinyard, recommended that I read a book titled “Driven” by Douglas Brackmann, PhD. First, I took the online assessment developed by the author and unsurprisingly I scored high on the Driven spectrum. I was surprised though, to learn the details. I scored high on the “Hyper-focused” category. I tend to have a hard time focusing. Except when I’m really interested in something. Then I’m like a dog with a bone. You almost can’t rouse me out of that state. I lose track of time and I obsess. I also scored very high on the “Situational Identity” category, which didn’t surprise me. But it was a missing piece of the puzzle to why I always felt like I become a different person depending on who I’m with. I thought it was the people-pleaser in me. And maybe on some level that’s part of it. But really it’s just an adaptation of a survival mechanism. I can read the room very easily and am always able to conform myself to fit in. Whether I’m comfortable or not is beside the point. But it was always very automatic. I am a chameleon and on some level always knew it. But I didn’t equate it to being part of my personality, I just thought it was confusing who I was with who I thought people wanted me to be. It’s kind of all of the above, I guess. I am trying to please people as far as trying to fit in, survival wise. But I often felt like a fraud for doing it. Like I was wrong for doing it. Because it was “fake”. But it wasn’t. I am being me, I just happen to be able to find a way to relate to pretty much anybody and I can pick up on things that most people can’t. It really explains so much. Why total strangers will tell me the most intimate and random things out of the blue without me asking. Why people have always felt comfortable talking to me as if I had “trustworthy” written all over my face. I just invoke a sense of safety, I guess. Making people feel comfortable and not judged. I’m rambling now. But I need to keep reading this book so I can form a thoughtful post to publish. I’m too tired to do so now!